Lil Fizz

Moo's Reconnected..

2006-08-16T17:17:00.000+08:00

Wow... Its been like a year since i wrote in this pathetic blog.. So what have I been up to, I guess not much tough... Im now working at Hotel Intercontinental AS a waiter at Olive Tree Mediterranean Restaurant.. Pathetic right I know.. The pay sucks too... But well at least I have a job then to those who don't have any and wonder around orchard wondering what to d with their lives... Those MATS AND MINAHS AH BENG AND AH LIANS.... LOL sorry, its the fact... Met lot of new friends over the year and well to think at first that they wont last like most of my friends before but to my surprise well they actually stick on to me.... Through thick and thin... For almost a year... And I hope that will continue in the near future.. My family has been a pain in my crack! Especially my _______...... Have to beep that one out... I need to find a room to stay... Stay away from my Family.. Well maybe not stay away from them forever... At least not everyday I have to face them and their nonsense... And this year I have to do my reservist and it clashes with my birthday!! But no worries, I got a letter a few days back from the government saying that my reservist had been cancelled.. So, I can celebrate my birthdays with my friends and love ones... If I have any... I do hope he's coming... right...

What else has been happening to my life for the past year... Hmmm.... Oh yes... My first trip ever out of Singapore... My trip to Bangkok.. It was great fun.. Going out in the night to Dj Station and restaurant but it was to scheduled I dont even have time for shopping and visit any of the tourist attractions.. But overall I did enjoy the trip even tough its short.. Thanks Frans... My next rip will be on the Caribbean Cruise, if I'm financially secure, if not I'll visit the country of my dream.... Australia... The will be at the end of this year... Winter.. I know.. Stupid ya.... But I want to see snow...... LOL..... Well.... That's it for now....

Totsins <--- If that how they spell it in dutch
Bye
Lil Fizzzz Signing off......

Thank you...

2005-09-18T14:37:00.000+08:00

(Moo's diconnected...)

for being there for me
for all the million hugs
for all the painful bites
for all the unconditional love
for all the muted care
for being u and only u
for having me
for showing me things
for lighting my darker nites
for believing in me
for trying to accomodate my nonchalance
for all the fights we've had
for all the words of reassuarance
for giving so much
for recieving so much more
for never walking away from me
for forgiving me so quickly
for trusting me
for your time
for that beautiful smile
for those gorgeoues eyes
for all the more intimate times
for waiting
for all the support
for being a gem
for trying to be the best u can be for me
for that shoulder to cry on
for the silent times
for those listening ears
for that heart in your chest
for that mind in your head
for sharing
for not probing
for breaking thru the barriers slowly
for all the memories we've created
for all the good times we've shared
for all the bad times we've forgiven and forgotten
for all the tears
for all the unexpected words and actions of love
for those teeth marks u left with me
and last but not least,

for wanting me about in your life till the end...

i want u till the end too...
no one knows wat the future holds but we'll weather the storms together and come through them stronger than ever...
i love u... no matter what happens or how many times we fight...
you'll always be a part of me. Always will be in my heart...
a fren i'll love till the end...

*HuGgZzz*

^AnGel's^ LovE...

Words of Wisdom

2005-09-13T19:47:00.000+08:00

I often hear people say: "I have a decision to make, and i'm confused about what I should do."
That is rarely true. Usually, there is no confusion whatsoever about what a person SHOULD do. The confusion is between "what's to do?" and what he KNOWS is the right thing to do. For people of character, these decisions are fairly simple - they do the difficult but right things, and they suffer a few regrets...Some would say, "But its's tough!"Of course it's tough. Everyting worth doing is tough.
Getting intervewed for a job is tough. Running a marathon is tough.Getting a degree is tough. Losing weight is tough. Quitting cigarettes is tough. Getting off drugs or booze is tough. Maintaining a healthy relationship if tough. Resisting temptation is tough. Raising kids is tough. Writing back is tough.LIFE is tough. really, REALLY tough...And that's why character matters... :)

Happy Birthday Ayie!!

2005-09-01T14:40:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... Where to start.. Hehe.. Got back from work yesterday and i dont have no time to lose.. Took out my water canister and ice box and chicken from the fridge (for my Team outing chalet - cum - my birthday) and as i was just about to hit the showers my mom told me that my grandma and my aunt bought me a present each.. You wont believe what my grandma bought me.. BUM briefs.. LOL... My aunty bought me a boxer... Pretty weird for a present but there is no complaints here.. Haha... My mom bought me a watch.. An adidas watch which cost her $200++.. I better look after this watch cause everytime my moom bought me one it will be gone in a few months... Lets see ya... HAHA.. So i hit the showers got change and headed to Audrey's house.. and man that water canister is damm heavy!! Plus the weight of the ice in the ice box makes my arms sore by the time i reached Audrey's house.. Then she told me to change to my short pants and t shirt so that i wont get all sticky and sweaty when we go to Seng Siong.. After buying the rest of the stuff, we headed back to her home get ready and we took the stuff downstairs and took a cab from there.. Lucky for us we can scrap up cash to pay for the fare.. The chalet was a two-storey where the bedroom is.. We lay around on the bed, ok wait sound wrong... you know what i mean ya.. She soon dozed off but i wake her up now and then by pastering her to make me a drink.. LOL.. IM EVIL!! Well i learn from the best.... Then Hasiq came... And Audrey thinks he's hot... Wait let me correct that... She thinks he's cute... LOL... We headed to Block L ( ours is at Block E-14 btw) to loan the bbq pit... Headed back to our unit and Hasiq has all the stuff neatly stack up on the bench... Hardworking this fellow but quite annoying.. He start the fire and soon after the fire is lit and we got to start barbequeing hotdogs and chicken wings... Its already 5 mins to 6... The rest of my work mates came at around 7.30 when they suppose to come the latest 7.... And as usual Cai and company went out to God knows where... It's 9.30 and the ice-cream cake that I made is melting... So we decided to cut it before it becomes milkshake!! after they sang me the birthday song, i cut the cake and Audrey took a handful of it and spread it all over my face and neck.. And the war starts the first person i got to spread the cake is Firdaus.. Man this fellow can run but nontheless i got him... Then its Hafiz A and then Rasul the new guy... And when i thought its all ove, Miss Teo pour chocolate syrup all over my head.. Kinky.. LOL... Come midnight its time for drinking the Bacardi which Hafiz A bought me as a present.. Then when i thought there is no more drinking i went to bed and lay my head.. I wake up due to Hasiq'a loud mouth saying that they bought a bottle a vodka... Music to my ear... Went downstairs and the session strats for the secon time.. Well i got it bad... And still had the effect now after a long rest... Well that's all i can think off... Im going to bed to rest my head....

Enjoy the pics of my team outing - cum - bday chalet at www.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m_ayie

Cheers!
Ayie

2005-08-26T12:19:00.000+08:00

hmm.. its been quite a while since i wrote.. but still there is nothing interesting adventure happened.. well im not an interesting person haha.. well i watched the adventure of sharkboy and lava gal yesterday and it's quite good but most of the scencs are abit too cliche or its predictable.. and expect to hear some lame jokes.. well ive booked chalet for my birthday - cum - ord pary... Audrey JY Harlie and Rashad you are invited... hehe.. since im so called closer to you guys.. hehe.. its on the 31st of August at Costa Sands East Coast.. will give you the details soon... 6 more days and counting... haha i turned 21.. although some may say that i dont act like im 21.. too childish.. lol.. well that's the way i am... as childish as ever.. as fucked up as ever.. lol well i got to go... TTFN.... Ta Ta For Now!!

Kiss!!!
Ayie

sorry, i can't be perfect...

2005-08-25T18:42:00.000+08:00

Dear Moo,

I'm sorry... wuff yew...

Love,
Doo

-=^A^ngEl's RamBlinGs=-

2005-08-19T14:42:00.000+08:00

Well another day of nothing to do.. Alone at home with no one in sight.. And i hope that some one comes home soon course the emptiness of being alone in the house freaks me out.. And to think that i wan to live on my own in a big house.. Sheesh~! Just got home from yet another tiring day at work. The bed is calling me.. Arghh!!!I cant go to sleep now.. I need to be at NP at four and i didnt have my shower yet.. And if i take a rest on my bed man i'll be sleeping like a pig.. LOL.. Need to get myself a life and a job.. Will be ORD-ing (if there is such a word) and man imagine life would be if i dont get a job.. Was thinking of signing on as a AETOS officer.. But my passion in life is serving people.. Dont get the wrong weither ha.. I have worked in the service line before as a waiter, and pushing yourself to reach a customers demands is really exhilarating(pardon me if i spell that word out wrongly).. You know what i mean..?? Meeting all sorts of people and attending to them just makes me happy.. I dont know why.. Im pretty much a shy guy and i dont usually mix around with people that much.. Not that i dont try but i always make the person talk to me first before i talk to them.. HEHE.. and when the conversation keeps on going i felt a feeling that i have been accepted by this 'new' person i met and i mixed with him/her as tough i have meet them for years.. Dont ask why but its just the way i am.. And if you dont like well i dont lose anything.. :) Like i said to someone before, i can live life to my fullest with out friends that dont care or with out friends at all.. Haizz.. I dont care with whom i mixed around with.. But one ting i look out for is honesty in my friendship.. That is all that matters to me.. Well back to my job hunting.. Yeah AETOS is my other option.. But working with the government, espeacially the Police Force means there is so much thing that i cant do or go? Like geylang, (but what for i would want to go there??), nightspots and ill repute places.. Not that i cant go but whenever there is fighting going on i must get out of there before hte police comes.. Waste of money right.. But joining the AETOS is the best candidate for now..

Well i bought myself my own mp3 player a week ago i guess and Audry is pissed off.. Cause i used the money which supposedly to be use to pay my 3 month hp bills of $300 plus SCV Cable vision and Maxonline of $100.. Sorry Ah Doo~! Yes i pay for the cablevision and maxonline.. Want to wait for my brother to pay it will take months maybe years to pay them.. That's why i need to get a job soon.. so i can pay off these bills that i have to pay.. HEHE..

So that is one thing off my birthday list *grinzZz*!! Let's see... A digicam, a laptop there is do much thing that i want that i cant afford right now.. Which brings back to THAT'S WHY I NEED TO GET A JOB... LOL~!

Well i have get going and take a shower i i dont want Audrey to get pissed of for being late.. HAHAHA~!

See you lot later...

Cheers~!
Ayie Johnson <----- Just trying to pick a suitable English name for myself... LOL~!~!

so lost...

2005-08-16T03:45:00.000+08:00

".......... But i'd rather u be mean, than love and lie
i'd rather hear the truth, and have to say good bye
i'd rather take a blow, at least then i would know
but baby don't you break my heart slow.........."

".............. here i am once again, i'm torn into pieces...
cant deny it, cant pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside
but you won't get to see the tears i cry...
behind these hazel eyes.................."

i cant seem to find a reason anymore to get up every morning...
i am happy...
seemingly so that is...
i smile, i laugh...
but am i pretending?
can i take anymore lies?
hide anymore lies?
i wish i could tell u the truth...
tell u the truth about how much i really hurt inside...
i try so hard to hide behind anything, anyone.

it's not working, it's creeping up on me again... i am falling into the deep dark abyss again...
for months now i've been seemingly fine...
i have been tryin to have fun, tryin to potray a facade that is gettin increasingly hard to keep up now...
i hurt with every word u bestow upon me...

silently i cry...
alone in the room as i sob myself to sleep...
my dreams tell a story that scares me...
everytime u are in my dreams, something good happens...
and thou it was just a dream, i get up and smile...

smile because for once again, i can hold u close to me, kiss your forehead as u lie beside me...
feel your arms around me...
my cheek against your stubble...

once in a while, i touch my cheek and i am back at the scene outside my gramma's place...
it was after my grampa's funeral and u were goin back...
u hugged me so close, so tight, so long... your stuble against my cheek...
your smell, your breathe at my neck...

and finally in my dreams, we were frozen like that...
i watch from a distance, from any angle, it is my dream...
i walk around again and again... and i wonder again where all that has gone...
all the love, the hugs, the kisses...

i wish i had the courage to tell u that u mean so much to me... that the world stopped spinning the minute u walked out of my life... that the skies grew darker since the day u left... but i hold back all the time, all the FREAKING time...

too scared to even look u in the eye... too scared to even approach u to hug u, always waiting in the shadows till u appraoch me, always waiting in the shadows until u remember that "WE" and "US" once existed...

that once upon a time, we spoke of a future... that once upon a time, we planned life together...
that once upon a time u said to me: "... the day i forget u is and will probably be the day that i am in an old folk's home suffering from dementia..."... and suddenly, "once upon a time" was no more... it became history...

burnt with all the other old books... chapters of your life... burnt away, ashes blown away by the wind~

the last thing u said to me was: "if u say u love me and u mean it, then give me my space now, NOW i WANT my space..." u left me crying in that room. never would u and could u understand the pain i felt...

i would have much prefered u to stab me straight in the heart. if for anything, just so that when i breathe my last, at least the last thing i touch is your hand on the knife. the last person i see is you bent over me, the last thing i smell is my blood and your sweat... the last thing i remember is that i hurt u enough for u to kill me...

mayb i would feel better... i duno... will never know...
i am too lost now, too jaded with everything...
so many things, people tryin to unfreeze me, tryin to get to where i would only let a few go...
i cry only to those i trust, love, care enough for...

my tears are no more precious, they are just bits...
pieces of my heart that was once warm and full of life...

i hurt u,
u hurt me,
i guess we're fair now...
the only difference is, you're happier...
i'm not...
i love u, so much so much...
even words cant describe how much i loved u...
i love u more than life itself...

i watch the sunset and i see u...
i watch the stars and i see u...
i watch a love story unfold and i see u...
i see u in everything that i do...

i'd give anything to have u back...
for a chance to have u beside me once again, holding my hand as we walk thru life...
to hug u and whisper it in your ear again that i love u...
to hold your hand... to wipe those tears from your eyes...
to kiss your wounds so they wouldnt hurt anymore...
to do little things for u, make little things for u, buy little things for u...
to watch u smile, to see that smile and feel happier...
to watch u... just watch u as u lie beside me sleeping in the nite...

"...that depends on whether u still see me as your cuckoo..."
i do... but would it make a difference?
only time will tell...

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

2005-08-09T12:10:00.000+08:00

I believe i can make it, make it through the night... These are the words i keep reminding to myself over and over again..

I suppose to work today but i took off.. And now im stuck inside my own room with nothing to do.. Haixxx.. Im that bored.. Nevertheless im going out with someone today.. if that person is not busy with his work.. We are going to catch a mivie later in the afternoon.. Charlie ad the Chocolate Factory.. Starring Johnny Depp..

Well today is Singapore 40th Birthday.. and im heading down to town to see some fireworks with one of my favourite person in the orld.. Audrey.. LOL.. Ah Doo....... She is just the best friend you can ask for..

Well im turning 21 SOON.. and i can have the freedom to do anything.. haha.. R(A) movies.. Clubs.. so Audrey you know what i want.. *HINT HINT* *GRINZZ*

Well that's that for now

Cheers!
Ayie

2005-08-01T23:42:00.000+08:00

Move aside audrey.. it's my blog.. so its my turn to blog this time round.. and this is realy me as in Muhammad Hafiz Ayie Omar.. LOL

They drag us to Police Cantoment Complex after my 24 hrs shift. Sheesh! Like we are not tired enough! And by the time everybody got on the bus all you can hear is the snoring of guys in uniform despite the loud thundering sound of the bus engine. LOL...
Urine test and eye sight test and a visit to the doc.. i think the doc is abit lazy coz i didnt even sit in his office for a minute and he says that im ok... Sheesh~! HaHA.. and my left eye is more powerful than my right eye... need to wear glasses!! NO~!!! lol i will look nerdy!! well its contact lenses for me! And poor Siraj... his urine test failed coz he took medicine in the morning.. LOL.. so he have to retake on the same day... he probably drank about a ton of water for the next test.. LOL

journey back home is quick.. i dozed off and the next thing i knew is that we have arrived back at camp... i was so tired that when i got home well i slept til like what 7-8... and i cant sleep right now luckily tomorrow is my off day. Let's see... what tomorrow brings ya!!!

Signing off
Muhammaf HAfiz Ayie
XOXOXO

M.I.A

2005-08-01T16:44:00.000+08:00

Moo's Missing In Action...
=)

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

and in the pouring rain you stood~

2005-07-16T03:56:00.000+08:00

and in the pouring rain you stood...
my heart cried for u...
all the tears, the hurts, the pains...
i could never wipe them up for good...

though i m not the one who's perfect for u,
i could always try to be the only one who will heal your broken heart...

and as the tears began to form and drop...
i wiped them up with the tips of my fingers...
wishing i could stop those tears forever...
never to let u feel the hurt u have felt for so long...
but...

as my heart grows colder...
i suffer in silence...
i could never be the one who will make u smile...
i could never be the one who will hold that hand...

i love u...
but...

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

Moo's blog...

2005-07-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

Moo here, wants to blog... but he says that he doesnt know wat to say...
he apparently wants to blog about his apparent happiness...
then again, i am not exactly sure y he is happy...

he attributes it to smoking...
wells, if tt is so, i would rather think it is percieved happiness caused by the sudden surge of nicotine in his system again...
and considering he told me he wishes to quit, i shan't hide my disappointment that he picked it up again due to stress and watever else u can think of...

anyways, i aint supposed to say tt i am the one bloggin... he told me to say tt he is the one bloggin...
so thus, i shall say it now, to get it out of the way, so tt i can move on to typin other mundane stuff...

"MOO TYPED THIS BLOG POST... NOT AUDREY..."
--> whahaha, i am such a classic, i cant help but love myself at times...

anyways, moving on since tt is out of the way...
these few days have been rather, hmmm, how should i put it...
trying?
probably tt is the best word to use...
stuff had been happening and wells, Moo and i are both affected by it...
mayb not everything is co- related...
but more or less, it is about there...
but then again, enuff about all the bullocky shit...

let's move on to the spiffy shirt we saw at topman...
gosh, Moo looked so good...
thou he didnt put it on, he held it up on himself and he looked real hot...
then again, when does he ever NOT look hot?
he ALWAYS looks hot... ESPECIALLY in that uniform of his... *Droolz a puddle... SwOONz and faints...*
anyhows, i tink he is sick of hearing me say that already so wells, heh~ enuff of tt point...

and have i ever mentioned how much i love the look on Moo's face wen he see a chilld? *SmilezZ*
he just looks at the kid and i look at him looking...
and once, i asked him whilst he was lookin at a little girl: "u like kids duncha?"
and he nodded and answered: "yarp..."
i smiled just lookin at his expression...
when Moo sees a child, this innocence just comes over him...
it is like he IS the child... once again the carefree toddler running his imagination through all sorts of magical poweres and sand castles...
i like how he loves his little sister so much... wen he told me about how he rushed back home the minute he heard about his little sis not feeling well...
his little sis is lucky... *envious*
HaiXxx...

have i mentioned i am tired?
and sleepy?

okie, wells, since tt is the case, i am off to watch TV and probably some reading then sleep...
so, cheerios~

PS: REMEMBER... MOO typed this, Not audrey~! LOL~!

signing off...
the Moo who typed this...
--> Ah Doo

2005-07-05T17:19:00.000+08:00

Moo let me read something i probably shouldn't have...
but since i have already read it, this came to mind...
judging from all i have read and all that have been said to me, i wrote this..

maybe it is one sided biasness but wells...
it's the eye that sees... not the heart...

in the darker corners...

tired...
tired as hell...

tryin so hard to be perfect for u...
trying so hard to meet all your expectations, your demands...
being your punching bag like as if i have no feelings too...

it is not tt i do not care about you or your problems.
but y do i have to live in the shadows?
y do i have to be part of a life tt is so indifferent to you?

y do i have to lie so low and out of reach from everyone else?
y do i have to be the one hiding in the misty greys?
y do i have to be a tramp in the dark alleys?

u seem to want to hide me and lock me up...
time for all but me...
u seem to love playing this game more than me...

are u having your fun?
lying to me and all that matters?
is your life all about lies?

are u all about cheating on me and those whom u seemingly love?
are u nothing more than some illusive phantom that can never be pinned down?
are u nothing to start with?

i try too...
very hard too...

to stay in the shadows, keep out of the much needed sunlight...
to stay in hiding, keep out of the public's eye...
at times all i need is to see your face, hear your voice...

and then, in the darker corners...
nothing matters anymore...

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

To someone

2005-06-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

i cant believe it.. If you think the reason for my pathetic behavoir is that i'm practising hostility as a form of friendship well you guess wrong..
This is just the way i am.. I'm pathetic. That's what i am. I'm a pathetic a loser and whatever negatives remarks you can think of... What you see is what you get.. And if you ask me to change my ways just for your own sake then GET LOST... I dont need you.. In fact i can live on my own without friends at all. You all dont have to buy my any of my nonsense. I'm not selling it. (Lame!!) Yes, i just know Audrey for abt say less than a month. So? I'm not showing any sides of me to anyone i knew. This is what i am. Audrey is always there for me whenever i need someone, whenever i'm down. She makes me feel secure when i'm not. She will be that one special someone i'll treasure til i die! She will be that someone who i will keep in my heart lock it and throw away the keys. Jealous? you see... i try to be close to you.. I always try to keep up with your standards but i cant. Every i take a step forward to make our friendship work you took two step back. And you said you try your best to.. Try harder.. In fact dont try at all.

One more thing.. There is always something to talk about. Let it be in the middle of the night.. When you start a conversation it can last if you really meant to talk. you see the fact that i get along so well with audrey is a big hu ha for you.. So.. if you dont like what i'm doing or you dont give a damn in my behaviour and me, just fuck off from my world. i dont need another heartache on my list.

To Audrey.. Thanks for being there when im in need. Thanks for making me feel secure and helping me believing in me and the strength to built my confidence back.. Love you dearly....

Signing off....
Ayie

I dont need ask for sympathy or for someone to pity me.. I just need someone who cares and listens!!

tears are precious...

2005-06-26T18:05:00.000+08:00

wrote this...
quite obviously for this moo over here...

His tears

The tears of a man is always precious...
Prefering only the closest to see...
It's nothing more than sparkly gems,
If ever seen by every one esle who's there...

The emotions well in the tears of his eyes...
No fighting can stop the pain as it burns...
It's still a mystery beyond those windows,
If only one could walk straight in to see...

The little scars are always hidden...
Behind this mask, he's always bitten...
It's only a facade to see his antic's quirks,
If ever a day of solitude's loneliness...

The pain it causes for one who cares...
Something done to nothingness...
Its little knives pierce so deeply in,
His tears caused blood within another...

and as the tears began to form and drop...
i wiped them up with the tips of my fingers...
wishing i could stop those tears forever...
never to let u feel the hurt u have felt for so long...
but...

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

haiXx

2005-06-22T00:21:00.000+08:00

someone is still too uninspired to update i guess...
so i shall do the honours...

anyways, moo's doing well i guess...
he's been laughin a little bit more...
hmm, me? tryin hard not to blog too much in my own blog... so u could sorta say that i am using this place here to rant a little and escape a little...

it's really pathetic how we both try to escape into a world where nothing needs to matter so much. it's really quite sad how we both ignore the crappily nonsensical on- goings in our life just for the sake of it... it scares us to think tt life is more about being loved than loving...

i just told someone this today:

"it's not easy but sometimes it is better to be single and unattached... i noe it is hard but sometimes, exclusive love is more torturous than no exclusive love at all..."

nothing really should matter so much but hey~ i'm ranting... i ain't making as much sense as i wish to but forgive me... i really need some place to let out all that is confusing me...

it's not tt i dun need to find someone one to love... i am tryin to search for one tt i can love too... but at the same time, i am happily single too... i dun wish to really get involved in someone and at times, i dun see the need for this little moo here to torture himself so much by forcing himself to be in a relationship tt drains him so much...

moo loves alot... and at times, my heart breaks as i watch him tear... gah~! the feeling is like urghh..

then again, i am still ranting...
i wish i could be far away in a place where nothing matters... i contemplate suicide again...
but tt is not a very good idea... and no, moo, u SHAN'T even think of tt too... at the very least u have someone who seemingly loves u... at least u have frens who really care so much for u... at least u have someone who "loves" u thou she knows she cant haf u... at least u noe tt there is always at least one person u can turn to to cry to...

me? i am still ranting again...
alone in my little corner... fighting with my own demons, facing the cold alone... no one to love, no one to care, no one to give a shit about me... mayb i am oblivious to those who care... mayb all i want is for him to come back to me... but then again, i shant rant too much... moo mightn't like it...

i have stuff to care about, worry about and this here, moo, is one of them...

no matter what moo... when u scrape tt penknife upon tt wrist of yours, dun forget tt u aren't the only one bleeding, i bleed too... and more than u will bleed, i must say...

take care moo... all the freaking time... because there is and will always be a reason for u to continue living this percieved pathetic life of yours... at least your life is better than mine...

"the hardest part about loving someone is knowing when to let go and when to say good bye..."

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

hmmm...

2005-06-16T15:18:00.000+08:00

i havent exactly gotten the permission to blog in here from the owner of this blog...
but WTH, he wants me to change his template so he'd better give me SOME rites~
whahhaa... (note: i got the permission liaoz~)

anyways, someone's a little too uninspired to update...
he's lost in his little world...
troubled over ramblings of inane body parts...
think clean la~ he's lost in between his ears and ribs, NOT between the legs...
watever it is, i wonder if he'll find his way soon...

it's really quite sad to feel so hurt and yet not have the guts to face it and tackle it...
i guess men and women are mostly the same when it comes to love...
strong outside but seriously brittle and lost inside...

this little moo here's tryin to get on his feet again...
tryin his best to walk with his head up..
tryin hard to fit into a natural world order and tryin his hell best to be one who's perfect and flawed all at the same time...
no one ever said being human was easy...

"perfection" still comes with its flaws i must say...
this little moo here's good looking...
really, i am not gona deny that, and u shouldnt too...
he IS good looking... especially when he dons tt uniform of his... *drools a swimming pool*
but STILL, he's insecure...
why? *ShrugSss* no one can really tell...

and he's smarter than he makes himself out to be too...
he's really a quick thinking logical little moo...
the only thing tt seems to be hampering his logical and smart thinkin, is his deep love for a certain individual who seems to take pride (and probably silent joy) in breaking this moo's little fragile heart over and over again...
it's a game of sorts tt the mentioned certain individual plays see...
its a "i need fun, i go to moo" kinda logic

listening to moo sob over the phone makes me feel sad too...
but i cant seem to help...
he KNOWS what he has to do and yet he's being held back by his deep love...

seems this love is what's making him break and fall apart so easily...
most times i wana take the liberties and carry out an assasination of sorts...
better losing that arse to dust than losing to someone else, i would prefer to say...

but then again i digress...
this blog is supposed to be about him and what he wants to do rather than about what I want to do...

it's kinda tough for this moo to make a choice...
it's, as i said earlier, a game of "lost between the ears and ribs" kinda thing...
he can choose to listen to either...
but it is easier to just grin and bear...
i guess the only thing tt is preventing him from standing tall is the fragility of his heart...

he might be a swinger but this little moo here knows how to love too...
he is nothing but a softie behind his little crazy antics and child-like ways...
(~~use of positive language is good~~)
behind that cutesy smiles and grins, he masks a face that cries silently, aching, breaking and falling to the ground like bits from a broken china cup...

i've to go, but i'll leave with this last sentence for now...

u can betray the mind, but u can never betray the heart...

signing off,
==^A^ngEl'S RamBlingZ==

2005-06-12T05:50:00.000+08:00

12/06/2005 Sunday

was talking with audrey over the phone yesterday while looking over the parepet.. Suddenly the urge of jumping off it came to my mind. good times and bad flashes through my ming and tearrs started to trickle down my cheeks.. Audrey is still reading a poem she wrote for me and i didnt hear a single word she said.. is it worth it, is she worth my life? my legs starts to raise without me realising it. hafiz.... are you ok?? my legs stop moving.. have you seen the view from the parepet.. i said... Somehow she knows what i meant.. She read to me a poem she wrote.. I quote:

"And in a huge and open field,
at his grave a girl kneels to pray,
every word accompanied by a single tear.

he taught her to move, to love again,
he sat in her heart, a special place...
upon the throne, this man, he ruled...
his whims and fancies all met by her...

many times she hurt herself,
he'll never know, she never told...
the walls were high, he never climbed...
a hassle it seemed to fall again.
she placed a single stalk, a blue rose...
and upon the grave she lay her hand,
rubbing across it's gravelled headstone...
she touched her lip with tt same hand,
bending over, she kissed the stone...

it felt cold despite the blazing sun...
much like his heart, the headstone felt...
as she turned to walk away, memories were left behind her...
every step she takes away from the headstone...
littered with pieces of her memories with him...

and as the wind blows, the memories are scattered...
and one single piece flew to that headstone...
caught upon the stony gravel...
the piece it read:
''if i could hold this hand forever, i would... but i know i can't... " "

She stops.. its not worth it.. she is not worth your life.. You can have someone else who loves and care for you..... by then i was weeping so softly that she cant hear me.. We end our conversation and i went to bed tried to sleep but cant.. this pain i had no one sees no one hears no one cares... is there no body out there how even care... is'nt any one out there took pity to this poor creature... I know some one dont ... All she cares about are friends work family. not a single careness to this boy, to this relationship we had, wait is there any relation at all in the first place?? Is there any US?? Am i a substitue?? Am i just for fun?? am i just some one she look for when ever her ex is not around??? wait, is he really her ex?? by what i know is that he still loves him, i know because he told me.. but not in a relationship... that's bull... if he said that, that mean i am in the same par as him... Arghh!!!!! What ever it is i will play along in this little game she plays and lets see what happen shall we!!!!!

Thanks Audrey for the poem!!!